End of the Pursuit
Note: For the past week or so, I've been getting back into the writing mood, so I'll take time during class to write whatever it is that's on my mind. Even out of class, I'll spend long hours at the beer pong table writing thoughts and feelings, so I've got a few pieces on hand that I'll put up in the near future. They aren't exact copies; I prefer taking advantage of a computer so I can include extra remarks, correct any mistakes, and just improve on my writing in general. Also, I'm including the dates that they were originally written on just for accuracy purposes.
Written October 4th, 2004
I'm not joking in the least when I say that I firmly believe that Erin Schmucker killed what little idealism I had left.
I won't regurgitate the entire story of Erin; if you're reading this, you should know it already or know how to find out. Anyways, I gave Erin what she wanted; she said that she didn't want to get into a serious relationship during the summer of 2003, and I told her that I would wait until the summer of 2004. Well, it's October 4th, and I'm still single.
One Friday night in early May, I used Meghan's cell phone (I didn't have reception on mine at the time) to call up Erin, and I promptly told her that I wanted to speak to her on Sunday. Face-to-face. I'm sure she knew exactly what was coming; she isn't stupid. All she told me to do was to give her a call before I came over. Sunday came and I gave her a call. I got her sister Amy, and she said that she would have Erin call me back since she wasn't home; I knew the game and told her that I would call her back in a half-hour. I called her back a half-hour later; the answering machine mocked me. I called back again and got the same response. By this point, I was getting pissed off, and against my mom's opinion, I hopped into my car (which brings up another subject: my dad gave away my perfectly good 1986 Dodge Aries and bought me a 1998 Ford Escort before the start of the summer) and drove over to Erin's house. Minutes before arriving, I called one last time only to be unsuccessful. As I pulled up to the driveway, who do you think came out of the Schmucker household about to go to the neighbor's house?
Erin.
I could've been a fucking asshole at that point; it was very well within my power and ability, but I refrained from doing so. But I didn't mince words either: I cut through the pleasantries, gave her both barrels like I had 11 months prior, and verbally cornered her. And for the second and final time, she told me, "No". I can remember a bitter taste welling up in my mouth, the feeling of someone crunching your favorite childhood toy beneath their heel without any regrets, but I swallowed the taste and acted like I'd had a weight taken off of my shoulders. Instead of blowing up, I only smiled and began talking about her all about the great party we had had the previous night (I'll tell you that story whenever Amanda gets me the pictures; she's another story). Eventually, I got to talking all about alcohol, its effects on people, Blood Alcohol Content/Concentration, etc.; hey, why not reveal all of these secrets I was hiding from her now that we'd been permanently cemented as merely friends? And I did so with no regrets. (In case you don't get it, I was hammered the previous night. But like I said, another story for another time. Did I forget to add that Erin showed up at the point that I had one eye closed because I was seeing double? I doubt that her seeing me wasted was what made her decision, but you never know.)
Despite the realization that I'd wasted 11 months chasing after a girl that didn't want to have anything to do with me beyond being friends, I decided to drop any grudge that I held against her following our talk.
Yet, insult was added to injury, and I cannot forgive that. A few weeks later, we (Brandon, Meghan, Steve, Allison, Erin and her whole family, Amanda, Aaron (another story!), myself, and numerous people I didn't know) had a pool party at Erin's house. After many rounds of volleyball and wrestling in the pool, things began winding down as we toweled ourselves off. Allison was talking to Mrs. Schmucker and I was standing nearby, idling or staring at my new rope burn on my side or something of the sort, but I had my ears perked like I usually do. Suddenly, Mrs. Schmucker said something to the effect of how Erin had been looking for a boyfriend for a long time and no one wanted to be it; at this point, I got incredibly pissed off, muttered a few obscenities, and was angry for the rest of the evening. I had no problem with letting her have her way and just keeping things at a friendship level, but when friends can't say important things such as that to each other, that's crossing the line. Beyond that, I saw it from another perspective: this girl had been looking for a boyfriend, but apparently, I wasn't good enough to fill those shoes; Mrs. Schmucker said that any man who wanted to be Erin's boyfriend had to have a lot of energy to keep up with her, but I wasn't even given a chance.
My one lasting regret is that I didn't tell her how pissed off that made me. As I spoke to her one last time on the phone on a late July afternoon, that was the one thing I forgot to tell her, and I know that it will burn a hole in me until I do.
I remember watching Maison Ikkoku in my junior year at college, and despite that it's an anime, it made me believe that simple persistence and heart would see me through in my pursuit of Erin. How wrong I was. She moved to San Antonio in late July, but whatever lovey-dovey thoughts and hopes I had about her are gone. Hell, even thinking about her gives me a big rubbery one. Reading past entries in this blog make me almost sick when I find that I wrote mushy shit like "sparkling eyes" and "cute butt" about her. I sigh disappointingly at myself when I realize just how many hours I spent writing about her and how much I loved her. And try as I may, I know that my experience with Erin has made me distrust women even more slightly; I worry that I may one day become fully jaded and just decide to drop my continued search for a girlfriend.
I'll keep trying, but this is a serious blow to my price and confidence; one that I may never recover from. My hair continues to recede and I'm not getting any younger, that's for sure.
Written October 4th, 2004
I'm not joking in the least when I say that I firmly believe that Erin Schmucker killed what little idealism I had left.
I won't regurgitate the entire story of Erin; if you're reading this, you should know it already or know how to find out. Anyways, I gave Erin what she wanted; she said that she didn't want to get into a serious relationship during the summer of 2003, and I told her that I would wait until the summer of 2004. Well, it's October 4th, and I'm still single.
One Friday night in early May, I used Meghan's cell phone (I didn't have reception on mine at the time) to call up Erin, and I promptly told her that I wanted to speak to her on Sunday. Face-to-face. I'm sure she knew exactly what was coming; she isn't stupid. All she told me to do was to give her a call before I came over. Sunday came and I gave her a call. I got her sister Amy, and she said that she would have Erin call me back since she wasn't home; I knew the game and told her that I would call her back in a half-hour. I called her back a half-hour later; the answering machine mocked me. I called back again and got the same response. By this point, I was getting pissed off, and against my mom's opinion, I hopped into my car (which brings up another subject: my dad gave away my perfectly good 1986 Dodge Aries and bought me a 1998 Ford Escort before the start of the summer) and drove over to Erin's house. Minutes before arriving, I called one last time only to be unsuccessful. As I pulled up to the driveway, who do you think came out of the Schmucker household about to go to the neighbor's house?
Erin.
I could've been a fucking asshole at that point; it was very well within my power and ability, but I refrained from doing so. But I didn't mince words either: I cut through the pleasantries, gave her both barrels like I had 11 months prior, and verbally cornered her. And for the second and final time, she told me, "No". I can remember a bitter taste welling up in my mouth, the feeling of someone crunching your favorite childhood toy beneath their heel without any regrets, but I swallowed the taste and acted like I'd had a weight taken off of my shoulders. Instead of blowing up, I only smiled and began talking about her all about the great party we had had the previous night (I'll tell you that story whenever Amanda gets me the pictures; she's another story). Eventually, I got to talking all about alcohol, its effects on people, Blood Alcohol Content/Concentration, etc.; hey, why not reveal all of these secrets I was hiding from her now that we'd been permanently cemented as merely friends? And I did so with no regrets. (In case you don't get it, I was hammered the previous night. But like I said, another story for another time. Did I forget to add that Erin showed up at the point that I had one eye closed because I was seeing double? I doubt that her seeing me wasted was what made her decision, but you never know.)
Despite the realization that I'd wasted 11 months chasing after a girl that didn't want to have anything to do with me beyond being friends, I decided to drop any grudge that I held against her following our talk.
Yet, insult was added to injury, and I cannot forgive that. A few weeks later, we (Brandon, Meghan, Steve, Allison, Erin and her whole family, Amanda, Aaron (another story!), myself, and numerous people I didn't know) had a pool party at Erin's house. After many rounds of volleyball and wrestling in the pool, things began winding down as we toweled ourselves off. Allison was talking to Mrs. Schmucker and I was standing nearby, idling or staring at my new rope burn on my side or something of the sort, but I had my ears perked like I usually do. Suddenly, Mrs. Schmucker said something to the effect of how Erin had been looking for a boyfriend for a long time and no one wanted to be it; at this point, I got incredibly pissed off, muttered a few obscenities, and was angry for the rest of the evening. I had no problem with letting her have her way and just keeping things at a friendship level, but when friends can't say important things such as that to each other, that's crossing the line. Beyond that, I saw it from another perspective: this girl had been looking for a boyfriend, but apparently, I wasn't good enough to fill those shoes; Mrs. Schmucker said that any man who wanted to be Erin's boyfriend had to have a lot of energy to keep up with her, but I wasn't even given a chance.
My one lasting regret is that I didn't tell her how pissed off that made me. As I spoke to her one last time on the phone on a late July afternoon, that was the one thing I forgot to tell her, and I know that it will burn a hole in me until I do.
I remember watching Maison Ikkoku in my junior year at college, and despite that it's an anime, it made me believe that simple persistence and heart would see me through in my pursuit of Erin. How wrong I was. She moved to San Antonio in late July, but whatever lovey-dovey thoughts and hopes I had about her are gone. Hell, even thinking about her gives me a big rubbery one. Reading past entries in this blog make me almost sick when I find that I wrote mushy shit like "sparkling eyes" and "cute butt" about her. I sigh disappointingly at myself when I realize just how many hours I spent writing about her and how much I loved her. And try as I may, I know that my experience with Erin has made me distrust women even more slightly; I worry that I may one day become fully jaded and just decide to drop my continued search for a girlfriend.
I'll keep trying, but this is a serious blow to my price and confidence; one that I may never recover from. My hair continues to recede and I'm not getting any younger, that's for sure.
posted by Eric Joseph at 2:12 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home