The Smaller Things in Life

Nicholas Chamfort (1741 - 1794)
In great affairs men show themselves as they wish to be seen; in small things they show themselves as they are.

In the past few weeks, I have not watched a lot of anime at all, and while I find this odd to a certain extent, I am almost relieved. I am not tired of my job at Anime Academy at all (Although, I do find that people questioning my opinion to be more mentally and emotionally taxing that I previous believed it to be), there have been a few things popping up in my life that have taken some precedence, voluntarily or otherwise.

• I chuckle at the fact that I am more stressed out now than I was from the previous semester at college. I received my grades in the mail on either December 19th or 20th (I had checked my grades online on December 18th), and found out what they were:
  Japanese 0001 - First Year Japanese 1: D
  History 0678/Jewish Studies 0283 - U.S. and the Holocaust: I
  Music 0311 - Introduction to World Music: F
  Political Science 1261 - American Public Policy: C+
  
  With a term QPA of 1.07 and a cumulative QPA of 1.95, I find myself figuratively wiping sweat from my brow and a strange smirk appearing on my face. I am sure that many people would be horrified to receive those grades, but I am disturbingly happy.
  
  The professors held up their end of the bargain in my Japanese class, and I got my D. I am sure that they did not try to put themselves in my shoes or anything like that, but they did not attempt to screw me over in the end. Concurrently, I am happy that I got an Incomplete (For those who were wondering what "I" meant) in my Holocaust class, and while I wish the same could have happened for my Music class, it is far better than receiving an F.
  
  As soon as my mom saw the grades, her voice did not get loud or aggravated or even angry. She just quietly said "If your term QPA is not a 3.00 next semester, I am not signing the papers for your student loans."
  
  And I found myself chuckling again.
• I realize that it is not my problem, but I feel that it is my problem despite the rational thought running through my head saying "Getting yourself involved in Brandon and Meghan's relationship will not solve anything."
  
  Allow me to elaborate, but since I have already spoken about this subject previously, I am not going to brush over what is already written. Basically, Brandon and Meghan are still going out, but their relationship is becoming a bit rocky. Brandon once believed that he would be infinitely happy with Meghan, but that has proven to be false. He explained to me the troubles that the relationship was going through on AIM a week prior to actually witnessing it firsthand, and I thought that it could not have been that bad.
  
  I had driven up to Penn State on Thursday night (December 18th) to party and hang out with Brandon since he had finished his finals that day. Meghan's last final was on Friday night (December 19th) at 8 PM, and it was after her final that we all hung out and had some fun (Granted, fun did not accumulate to being more than just drinking, sitting around somewhere, and a lot of talking, but I had a lot of fun). Brandon and I had stopped drinking about 11 PM because we did not want to give Meghan's oldest brother, James, and his friend, Matt, the impression that we had given Meghan all of her alcohol (Which only added up to a bottle of peppermint schnapps, but I think Brandon was more concerned about concealing his relationship with James, since his learning of it would ultimately lead to the rest of his family learning of it). Anyways, a new friend, Isaiah, hung with us as well, and we had a grand ol' time walking all over Penn State, going to Walmart, and chilling in a lot of different places. It should also be made clear that Meghan was drinking her schnapps most of this time, and she was sloppy drunk by the time that we dropped her, James, and Matt off at her honors dorm, but after we dropped off Isaiah at his dorm, I discovered that Meghan had accidentally taken my V8 Splash that I had purchased at Walmart and we had what she wanted. Brandon called up Meghan and told her this, and she came down to the front door ten minutes later, but then both of them walked into the building for twenty minutes while leaving me out in my car with the engine idling. When Brandon got back into the car, he was breathing heavily and looked very pissed off.
  
  I decided to not ask about it, but when we got back to Brandon's apartment, Meghan called his cell phone and Brandon hung up as soon as he saw the Caller ID. This prompted me to ask him what had happened to change his mood so drastically. Although I received only one side of what had happened, I know that it is the side that is far more rational: Meghan had a problem with a comment that Brandon had made on Thursday night. The comment was actually a joke that insinuated that women should be barefoot and pregnant, yet everyone who was in the room, including Meghan, got a good laugh out of it because they knew it was a joke. The problem was that Meghan had a problem with Brandon saying something of this nature, but you have to keep in mind three things: she was drunk, she had laughed at the joke, and it was a day after the comment was made.
  
  She essentially made a mountain out of a mole hill, and from my understanding, this happens three or four times a week at least. Although I am not sure about it, I believe that Brandon seriously thinks about reconsidering his relationship with Meghan simply because she likes to pick fights in this fashion. I talked with Brandon about it for a while, and we came to the conclusion that I am and should be on the sidelines. Having any part to do in their fighting would only magnify the problem at a certain level, and reducing my part in their relationship to being a referee of sorts would not fix anything.
  
  It still is not my problem, but I cannot help but feel somewhat responsible for it.
  
• A loss of faith can ultimately lead to vices. I am not speaking about faith in a god or gods or any particular religion, but rather, in yourself and others.
  
  Ever since I came back from my trip to Penn State in early November, I have had this as a part of my AIM profile:

  I saw your picture not long ago, and I remembered that I had forgotten your precious smile and sparkling eyes. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't find the tears. Perhaps I lost faith and that which is most dear to me.

  As I contemplate about problems that have been coming up recently in my life, I realize that Erin and my emotional "investment" in her have not been having the greatest of effects upon me. In all honesty, I have only seen her once so far on this winter break, and that was for less than a minute at Allison's house. Yet, for that brief period of time, I felt a hollow happiness. I call it a hollow happiness because just being with or around her instantly puts a smile on my face and makes me feel good, but at that time, I felt as if something was missing. Perhaps it was knowing that she was leaving just as soon as I met her, but something tells me that it might be because I have lost faith in myself and her. On myself, it is the feeling of tasting the ashes of a "victory" (I do not wish to trivialize a relationship into winning or losing, yet I am at a loss for the proper word) lost in my mouth and the depression that comes with knowing that you cannot do anything to help your situation. On her, it is the feeling that she is merely the fruit that remains out of my reach no matter how high I jump.
  
  And as I think of it more, I feel resigned to a fate that I cannot escape; I am merely falling down a chasm, and no matter how hard I flap my arms or reach out to the walls to stop my descent, I cannot prevent the inevitable sudden stop. This summer, all I could think was "I am crazy about Erin, and I know a relationship with her will go somewhere", but with time given to ponder in a dark silence and bouncing thoughts off of people around me, it has turned into "We won't go anywhere with it, but since I promised her already, that is the only reason why I shall try one more time next summer." No longer am I overly eager to get in a relationship with Erin simply because I feel that it any attempt would be met with certain failure.
  
  And I hate that feeling; the feeling that no matter how hard I struggle, I will never accomplish what I work so hard for.
  
  I wrote those three sentences in my AIM profile when I thought that I still had a good chance with Erin, but circumstances have changed despite my reluctance to change my profile. Yet, I look at the last line closely and wonder "What did I mean by 'that which is most dear to me'?"
  
  I think I meant my feelings for Erin.
  
  By no means do I mean to say that I am still not crazy about Erin. If ever given the opportunity, I would not hesitate in the slightest to get into a serious relationship with her and be the best damn boyfriend I could be despite my obvious lack of experience. Yet, I have a doubt, and a doubt is like a crack in a dam; it will break, but it is just a matter of when.

I am hoping to get back into the "anime mood", whether it happens when I am at home or when I go back to college. I do not want to take it to the extent that I did this semester, but it is still something I enjoy and like very much. However, for the moment, I guess I am taking a small hiatus from all of that to gain more appreciation for what my life encompasses.