A Confusion-wracked Heart
I chuckle when I look back and realize how many entries have dealt with Erin to some degree; perhaps I should have named this journal "Love Chronicles of a College Boyo" or something. Now that I think about it, I should have just put "Boy" in the place of "Guy" in the title; at least that would be a bit more accurate along some lines. However, that is another topic for another time. I digress.
I think it was last Friday (December 26th) or Saturday (December 27th) when I went to a Hershey High School Girls' varsity basketball game. The team lost, but that was of little importance. Attending sporting events usually turns out like going to the movies with your girlfriend (From what I have heard but have yet to experience); all that you do is talk or screw around instead of watching what you paid money to see. Anyways, the usual suspects, Steve, Allison, Brandon, Meghan, and Erin, showed up because it was the "big event" of the week for us.
We talked for a while, and when the game ended (The varsity team lost horribly), we were still sitting around on the bleachers. I was talking with Brandon about Meghan's attitude when Steve turned around and told me that the Christmas present I had given to Erin was too big. I gave him a questioning look, and he went into detail. Basically, I did not realize that the hoodie I had given Erin was an extra large, and while Allison made a joke about how I might be suggesting that Erin is too fat, I continued talking to Steve. Why had she not spoken to me about the hoodie? Why did she need to tell Steve about this issue when he had nothing to do with it at all? And what size did she want? Steve was still talking when I motioned to him to not talk anymore and I called Erin over to us.
After a quick discussion, I re-learned something that I had known all along: Erin prefers kindness over honesty. She thought that I would take offense to asking her to return the hoodie when that is not the case at all. I would take offense if she used the hoodie to make her dog's bed or something like that, but returning it because she wanted a small or medium is nothing to take offense to. I gave her a chuckle and told her that it was no problem at all.
It was not until very early Wednesday morning (December 31st) that I actually got the hoodie back. The story behind its return is that Steve called me up at 11:30 PM on Tuesday night (December 30th) to tell me that Erin was coming over to his house because it might be the last time that we could see her before she went back to college. Upon sneaking into Steve's basement, Steve, Allison, and I sat and watched some television for a bit before Erin showed up. We all sat around for a good 45 minutes talking about all sorts of things, and shortly after Erin left, Steve told me that he was taking Allison home very shortly. Before I had a chance to walk up the stairs, he told me that Erin's hoodie was in the back of his car... and that there was a note in the pocket.
Upon hearing that there was a note, the hair on the back of my neck stood on end even though I kept my cool. My mind raced trying to think about what was written on it, and asking Steve or Allison if they had read the note produced only a sharp "No." I walked out of the house, found the hoodie in the back seat of Steve's car, felt for a note, and quietly got into my car to drive off. I thought about reading the note right then and there in Steve's driveway, but I refrained from doing so; if I was going to cry, I wanted to do so in the privacy of my room. Besides, I had waited for months for any sort of response from Erin, so waiting a few more minutes to read it was going to be no big deal.
That was the longest eight minutes of my life.
I got into my room, shut the door, and sat down to read the note. The first thing I saw was Erin's address at her school (She had asked me multiple times if she should pay for shipping charges, but I told her I would despite my meager monetary reserves), and I thought that that was all that the note was. However, above that, I saw something else written, and unfolding the entire paper revealed a letter. This is a written copy of the letter:
Comments regarding proper grammar and spelling as well as the state of the American public school system aside, I am fucking confused.
Specifically, I am confused about the sentence that reads "Eric I hope that we will be friend for a long time." Yes, I realized that she intended to say "friends" instead of "friend," but that is not what the confusion is about. What I am confused about is the exact meaning of the sentence. Does she mean "Eric, I just want to be friends forever and never let our relationship become anything more than what it is currently" or does she mean "Eric, let's be friends for now and see what happens in the summer"?
Looking deeper at the interpretations of those meanings, the former suggests that she never wants to be anything beyond friends. While I am sure that she may have no problem with that, I am not concerned about a return on any sort of emotional investment in her, but rather, the fact that any such words would fall on deaf ears. Actually, not deaf ears. Ears that would listen very closely to what I have to say, but a mind that would possibly not reconsider anything along what I had thought. Basically, she would never let the opportunity for us to get together, even as boyfriend and girlfriend, a chance, and... I am not sure what would happen. On an emotional level, I would probably be a walking disaster and serious thoughts about suicide (Jugular veins in the neck with a sharp object) would become very likely. On a physical level, I am not sure what I would do. I have given that a lot of thought, and I think I would probably want to hit something to the point that I began breaking my bones and bleeding all over the place, yet I would probably continue to show everyone teeth and let them believe that I am not being tortured by a pain that hurts far more than mere broken bones.
Like I said before, perhaps self-destruction is the answer.
The latter interpretation suggests that I have a chance, but this interpretation seems to hang more on the "a long time" segment of the sentence in question. As I look back on the rest of the letter, I cannot discard the rest of it as mere fluff meant to convey appreciation and nothing more, especially when I read the "and I will wear it forever" sentence. I am not talking about the sentence's meaning since I already know that she really likes the hoodie quite a lot, but rather, the usage of the word "forever." I am not about to start going off on literal and figurative definitions of the word, but it is basically an indefinite period of time. Yet, with the sentence that was in question in the first place, she wrote "a long time", which suggests a definite period of time. Determining the rough length of "a long time" is impossible; it could mean a few hours or even a few years, and perhaps even more or less than those periods of time. However, it is not forever, and this is a good thing.
I am betting on the latter interpretation, but something like this makes me wish that I had not promised to discuss having a serious relationship with Erin until next summer. At this point, I want to walk up to her and be very straightforward with her. I want to see what she has to say about the letter, about her feelings regarding me, and the likely path that this will take both of us. I want to know if my passionate feelings for her are a waste of time or were met with equally passionate feelings from her. However, my desire to stick to my word is more important to me than my anticipation to see the outcome of this whole situation.
And before the letter finished, she threw me another curve ball, or at least, something I interpret as a curve ball (Perhaps I am looking too deeply into some of this, but I do not think so). I am referring to the use of the word "Love" in the closing. Now, there are two ways to look at it: the common usage of the word or Erin's usage of the word. I am not trying to degrade the manner in which Erin commonly words her own sentence, but I have noticed that she is more apt to use "extreme" words like "love" and "hate" rather than "like" or "dislike." Perhaps it is me, but I feel that the use of words like "love" and "hate" should be infrequently used, thus adding to their meaning and importance when they are used. And perhaps it is the Mormon style that Erin was raised in, but she liberally uses (To me) both words quite often, and it is not uncommon to hear her say something like "Oh, I love him/her to death" when they are merely friends and there is no desire behind those words to actually love (Again, my meaning) the person. I mean, Erin does love me... as a friend, and this is not in the same manner that I literally love her. Hence, my confusion; do I interpret her usage of the word "Love" in the vernacular or in the manner that she commonly uses it?
And thus, confusion still torments the lovestruck heart of a college guy. Yeah, "Guy" seems far more appropriate now than "Boy."
I think it was last Friday (December 26th) or Saturday (December 27th) when I went to a Hershey High School Girls' varsity basketball game. The team lost, but that was of little importance. Attending sporting events usually turns out like going to the movies with your girlfriend (From what I have heard but have yet to experience); all that you do is talk or screw around instead of watching what you paid money to see. Anyways, the usual suspects, Steve, Allison, Brandon, Meghan, and Erin, showed up because it was the "big event" of the week for us.
We talked for a while, and when the game ended (The varsity team lost horribly), we were still sitting around on the bleachers. I was talking with Brandon about Meghan's attitude when Steve turned around and told me that the Christmas present I had given to Erin was too big. I gave him a questioning look, and he went into detail. Basically, I did not realize that the hoodie I had given Erin was an extra large, and while Allison made a joke about how I might be suggesting that Erin is too fat, I continued talking to Steve. Why had she not spoken to me about the hoodie? Why did she need to tell Steve about this issue when he had nothing to do with it at all? And what size did she want? Steve was still talking when I motioned to him to not talk anymore and I called Erin over to us.
After a quick discussion, I re-learned something that I had known all along: Erin prefers kindness over honesty. She thought that I would take offense to asking her to return the hoodie when that is not the case at all. I would take offense if she used the hoodie to make her dog's bed or something like that, but returning it because she wanted a small or medium is nothing to take offense to. I gave her a chuckle and told her that it was no problem at all.
It was not until very early Wednesday morning (December 31st) that I actually got the hoodie back. The story behind its return is that Steve called me up at 11:30 PM on Tuesday night (December 30th) to tell me that Erin was coming over to his house because it might be the last time that we could see her before she went back to college. Upon sneaking into Steve's basement, Steve, Allison, and I sat and watched some television for a bit before Erin showed up. We all sat around for a good 45 minutes talking about all sorts of things, and shortly after Erin left, Steve told me that he was taking Allison home very shortly. Before I had a chance to walk up the stairs, he told me that Erin's hoodie was in the back of his car... and that there was a note in the pocket.
Upon hearing that there was a note, the hair on the back of my neck stood on end even though I kept my cool. My mind raced trying to think about what was written on it, and asking Steve or Allison if they had read the note produced only a sharp "No." I walked out of the house, found the hoodie in the back seat of Steve's car, felt for a note, and quietly got into my car to drive off. I thought about reading the note right then and there in Steve's driveway, but I refrained from doing so; if I was going to cry, I wanted to do so in the privacy of my room. Besides, I had waited for months for any sort of response from Erin, so waiting a few more minutes to read it was going to be no big deal.
That was the longest eight minutes of my life.
I got into my room, shut the door, and sat down to read the note. The first thing I saw was Erin's address at her school (She had asked me multiple times if she should pay for shipping charges, but I told her I would despite my meager monetary reserves), and I thought that that was all that the note was. However, above that, I saw something else written, and unfolding the entire paper revealed a letter. This is a written copy of the letter:
Dear Eric,Side note: Erin wrote the letter with a pen that could have used some more ink. There may have been some more punctuation marks in the appropriate places, but I cannot see them.
You are an amazing person. I am so greatful that We have gotten the opportuinty to become friends. Thank you so much for all that you have done for me over the past couple years. Thank you for my sweatshirt. I love it. and I will wear it forever. Eric I hope that we will be friend for a long time. I hope you have a great rest of your vacation and a safe trip back to school. I hope you have a great semester Good luck
Love
Erin
Comments regarding proper grammar and spelling as well as the state of the American public school system aside, I am fucking confused.
Specifically, I am confused about the sentence that reads "Eric I hope that we will be friend for a long time." Yes, I realized that she intended to say "friends" instead of "friend," but that is not what the confusion is about. What I am confused about is the exact meaning of the sentence. Does she mean "Eric, I just want to be friends forever and never let our relationship become anything more than what it is currently" or does she mean "Eric, let's be friends for now and see what happens in the summer"?
Looking deeper at the interpretations of those meanings, the former suggests that she never wants to be anything beyond friends. While I am sure that she may have no problem with that, I am not concerned about a return on any sort of emotional investment in her, but rather, the fact that any such words would fall on deaf ears. Actually, not deaf ears. Ears that would listen very closely to what I have to say, but a mind that would possibly not reconsider anything along what I had thought. Basically, she would never let the opportunity for us to get together, even as boyfriend and girlfriend, a chance, and... I am not sure what would happen. On an emotional level, I would probably be a walking disaster and serious thoughts about suicide (Jugular veins in the neck with a sharp object) would become very likely. On a physical level, I am not sure what I would do. I have given that a lot of thought, and I think I would probably want to hit something to the point that I began breaking my bones and bleeding all over the place, yet I would probably continue to show everyone teeth and let them believe that I am not being tortured by a pain that hurts far more than mere broken bones.
Like I said before, perhaps self-destruction is the answer.
The latter interpretation suggests that I have a chance, but this interpretation seems to hang more on the "a long time" segment of the sentence in question. As I look back on the rest of the letter, I cannot discard the rest of it as mere fluff meant to convey appreciation and nothing more, especially when I read the "and I will wear it forever" sentence. I am not talking about the sentence's meaning since I already know that she really likes the hoodie quite a lot, but rather, the usage of the word "forever." I am not about to start going off on literal and figurative definitions of the word, but it is basically an indefinite period of time. Yet, with the sentence that was in question in the first place, she wrote "a long time", which suggests a definite period of time. Determining the rough length of "a long time" is impossible; it could mean a few hours or even a few years, and perhaps even more or less than those periods of time. However, it is not forever, and this is a good thing.
I am betting on the latter interpretation, but something like this makes me wish that I had not promised to discuss having a serious relationship with Erin until next summer. At this point, I want to walk up to her and be very straightforward with her. I want to see what she has to say about the letter, about her feelings regarding me, and the likely path that this will take both of us. I want to know if my passionate feelings for her are a waste of time or were met with equally passionate feelings from her. However, my desire to stick to my word is more important to me than my anticipation to see the outcome of this whole situation.
And before the letter finished, she threw me another curve ball, or at least, something I interpret as a curve ball (Perhaps I am looking too deeply into some of this, but I do not think so). I am referring to the use of the word "Love" in the closing. Now, there are two ways to look at it: the common usage of the word or Erin's usage of the word. I am not trying to degrade the manner in which Erin commonly words her own sentence, but I have noticed that she is more apt to use "extreme" words like "love" and "hate" rather than "like" or "dislike." Perhaps it is me, but I feel that the use of words like "love" and "hate" should be infrequently used, thus adding to their meaning and importance when they are used. And perhaps it is the Mormon style that Erin was raised in, but she liberally uses (To me) both words quite often, and it is not uncommon to hear her say something like "Oh, I love him/her to death" when they are merely friends and there is no desire behind those words to actually love (Again, my meaning) the person. I mean, Erin does love me... as a friend, and this is not in the same manner that I literally love her. Hence, my confusion; do I interpret her usage of the word "Love" in the vernacular or in the manner that she commonly uses it?
And thus, confusion still torments the lovestruck heart of a college guy. Yeah, "Guy" seems far more appropriate now than "Boy."
posted by Eric Joseph at 2:53 PM
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