Love Washes Over
I do not know why I carry some of the emotional weight and stress that is resulting from Meghan and Brandon's squabbling, but I do. Perhaps it is just a sign that I truly care about which direction their relationship takes.
I felt something better than all of those combined.
Allow me to fill in some background. On the day that Steve and I were to leave Pitt and head back home, I sold the books for my US & The Holocaust and World Music class, and got back $45 (On another note, Steve sold two books and got back $55, but he must have spent a fortune on those books). Minutes after selling the books, I walked into the Pitt Store, took a good twenty minutes to find the best hoodie, and spent $40 on it.
And then, I proceeded to walk out of the store with a big grin on my face.
Almost two weeks later (Rather, yesterday night), I handed Erin her Christmas gift. Her initial reaction was to give me a big hug, and then we spent a good fifteen minutes talking about all sorts of things: Meghan's idiotic fighting with Brandon, winter break, college, and friends. Basically, the usual. Then she looked over at the present I had given her, made it clear that she was sorry that she did not have a gift to give me (That probably would have made my Christmas complete, but I did not really sweat over it), and asked if she should open her present in front of me.
And for only a moment, time stopped, my imagination roamed, and my thoughts followed my feelings.
For that brief period of time (Less than a second) before I responded, I imagined a dream coming true. I reached out to Erin, took her hand, and pulled her into a soft hug. I spoke softly into her ear, telling her all about how much I cared about her and how I did not want to let go of her. I kissed her tenderly, feeling a mutual white-hot passion surge through our lips like an electrical current. We both slowly fell to the floor of her dining room, continuing to smooch one another and letting our tongues explore the other's mouth to such an extent that even a dentist could not fathom. Gradually, we disrobed each other one piece of clothing at a time, and although our eyes said that both of us were simultaneously frightened, nervous, and exhilarated, we made sweet loving. And when we were done, I rested my sweat-beaded brow against her forehead, looked into her beautiful eyes, and saw that both of us had found our nirvana and the love of our lives.
And as quickly as it had come, the moment had vanished. "Erin, I leave that option entirely up to you," I told her, a small grin appearing on the left side of my mouth and muscle contractions creating a dimple on my cheek.
She carefully unwrapped her gift and was pleasantly surprised to find that she now had a new hoodie. Unbeknownst to me, Erin likes hoodies quite a lot. "Thank you, Eric," she said to me, slowly turning to look at me, "Now I can be cool just like everyone else!" Her comment caught me off guard and it took me a moment to recognize that it was sarcasm (Something that she almost never uses). I politely chuckled and merely told her, "You're cool already, with or without the hoodie." She then hugged me again for the gift, and then we talked some more about what we would be doing on Christmas and for the rest of break. With exception for Christmas dinner at 1:30 PM, I have nothing on my schedule, and she was eager to hang out with "the gang" (Seeing as how she is acquaintances and friends with a lot of people, I took "the gang" to mean Brandon, Meghan, Steve, Allison, and myself) on the day after Christmas. Yet, she said that she had nothing to do on Christmas day except for unwrapping gifts and dinner (Christmas dinner, I find more often than not, is more like a lunch because of the time, but is a dinner simply because of what it consists of), so I told her that she should come over to Brandon's house sometime during the day; Mr. Arce promised that he was going to make Cuban food and a lot of it, and I pity anyone who never has a chance to eat Mr. Arce's delicious food (His food is so outstanding that many people have told him that he should to open his own restaurant). Erin's face lit up (More than before) when I mentioned that she should come for the good food and company, and she only asked that I call her to tell her when I was going over.
Noticing that some of her family was arriving (It was about 9:30 PM, and I guess they were coming in from New York), Erin hugged me a third time and we parted with smiles on our faces.
While I was driving back to my house, I mulled over a question regarding that moment: was it born out of an animalistic id or passionate feelings for Erin? I thought about the former for a bit. If that "dream" had come from some animalistic desire for sex regardless of the woman, then I would not have thought about Erin. Allow me to be perfectly frank: Erin is not what I would call "sexy" by a long shot. Oh, I do believe that she is quite beautiful, but she is at most 5'4", at least 130 lbs, has wide hips, and I would be surprised if her breasts are any larger than a B cup. Now, I am not trying to degrade her at all, but just merely point out that she is not exactly sexy (At least, not from a modern American male standpoint). Thus, I would say that an animalistic desire, without regards for who the woman is, would be aimed more at a sexual object (I am not trying to objectify women, but the fact of the matter is that an animalistic desire would probably see the woman as a means to an end and nothing more) that possesses desirable sexual traits (Be it the perfect face, massive breasts, curvy body, or whatever). After thinking through the question with logic, I found that the "dream" came from passionate feelings for Erin.
Somewhere along being crazy over Erin, I unknowingly stopped being crazy about her and just began loving her.
Although I believe that there is a dividing line between being crazy over and being in love with someone, there is a fuzzy distinction. I am not sure quite how to explain it and put raw feelings into words, but you just know it. It is like using slightly different wrapping on one Christmas present than all of the rest; the fact that its color, pattern, and design is different distinguishes it from all of the rest of the presents that were wrapped all the same way, so it could even be said to be more special. Okay, so that is a bad analogy, but it gets the point across (Hopefully). I think about it some more, and I am still at a loss for how I can explain what the difference is. You can feel it in your bones and you know that it is a great thing.
And it makes you feel like a ray of sunshine. It makes you feel right as rain and it makes you feel like a million dollars even on a bad day. Love is what cleanses your soul of all of the bad shit that you have done in your life, allowing you to forget the less-than-good times with ease and giving you a goal that you have no problem with changing yourself in order to accomplish it. All day on Christmas Eve, I was tired and worn out from a previous night of partying with friends and listening to plenty of drama, yet as soon as I saw Erin, I felt more energized than I had been in years. I was not smiling to show teeth and feign any happiness; I was smiling because she was smiling at me, and that made me genuinely happy. Where I had once thought that my feelings for her may have been waning, I was proven wrong just by seeing her pretty smile and talking with her for a solid thirty minutes.
There is a bright center of my universe and its name is Erin Schmucker.
Oh sure, there is still a doubt in the back of my mind, and undoubtedly, meeting with any failure will lead to an opposite feeling, but for now, I have confidence and my worries are minimal. I recognize that my chances with getting together with Erin are not all that great, but I am going to make damn sure that I have the best chances possible at success. Although this may be coming out and sounding like "We're gonna win this battle, boys" or some silly speech about attaining victory using every means possible, I do not see it as a fight. It is a test of character, will, and determination; a test to see who I am and to see if I can be good enough of a man for Erin's love and affection. There is a set goal, and although attaining that goal is far more difficult than walking a path, it has been made already and I only need to accomplish it. However, there is no specific plan; I usually work without a plan, and despite the fact that not everything goes well without a plan, accomplishing the goal requires either an incredibly flexible plan or a plan that is made up as events occur. However, I do not use any particular plan because one would have a certain degree of inflexibility because specific solutions are not figured out for specific problems until problems actually present themselves.
In short, I will rely upon myself to see that my love embraces Erin one step at a time. With luck, our souls will be cleansed, leaving happiness and fulfillment. Or something mushy like that.
Oh yeah, Happy Holidays to everyone. It aer teh tasteh.
From Art of Trance - Love Washes OverHave you ever woken up from a short nap and felt far more refreshed than after waking up from sleeping for a day? Have you ever ran for miles on end, pain shooting through your legs, sweat running into your eyes, and felt the sweetness of victory as you crossed the finish line? Have you ever finished watching a movie or anime and felt a smile grow on your face just because the ending was so fitting and happy?
Love washes over,
cleansing my soul.
I felt something better than all of those combined.
Allow me to fill in some background. On the day that Steve and I were to leave Pitt and head back home, I sold the books for my US & The Holocaust and World Music class, and got back $45 (On another note, Steve sold two books and got back $55, but he must have spent a fortune on those books). Minutes after selling the books, I walked into the Pitt Store, took a good twenty minutes to find the best hoodie, and spent $40 on it.
And then, I proceeded to walk out of the store with a big grin on my face.
Almost two weeks later (Rather, yesterday night), I handed Erin her Christmas gift. Her initial reaction was to give me a big hug, and then we spent a good fifteen minutes talking about all sorts of things: Meghan's idiotic fighting with Brandon, winter break, college, and friends. Basically, the usual. Then she looked over at the present I had given her, made it clear that she was sorry that she did not have a gift to give me (That probably would have made my Christmas complete, but I did not really sweat over it), and asked if she should open her present in front of me.
And for only a moment, time stopped, my imagination roamed, and my thoughts followed my feelings.
For that brief period of time (Less than a second) before I responded, I imagined a dream coming true. I reached out to Erin, took her hand, and pulled her into a soft hug. I spoke softly into her ear, telling her all about how much I cared about her and how I did not want to let go of her. I kissed her tenderly, feeling a mutual white-hot passion surge through our lips like an electrical current. We both slowly fell to the floor of her dining room, continuing to smooch one another and letting our tongues explore the other's mouth to such an extent that even a dentist could not fathom. Gradually, we disrobed each other one piece of clothing at a time, and although our eyes said that both of us were simultaneously frightened, nervous, and exhilarated, we made sweet loving. And when we were done, I rested my sweat-beaded brow against her forehead, looked into her beautiful eyes, and saw that both of us had found our nirvana and the love of our lives.
And as quickly as it had come, the moment had vanished. "Erin, I leave that option entirely up to you," I told her, a small grin appearing on the left side of my mouth and muscle contractions creating a dimple on my cheek.
She carefully unwrapped her gift and was pleasantly surprised to find that she now had a new hoodie. Unbeknownst to me, Erin likes hoodies quite a lot. "Thank you, Eric," she said to me, slowly turning to look at me, "Now I can be cool just like everyone else!" Her comment caught me off guard and it took me a moment to recognize that it was sarcasm (Something that she almost never uses). I politely chuckled and merely told her, "You're cool already, with or without the hoodie." She then hugged me again for the gift, and then we talked some more about what we would be doing on Christmas and for the rest of break. With exception for Christmas dinner at 1:30 PM, I have nothing on my schedule, and she was eager to hang out with "the gang" (Seeing as how she is acquaintances and friends with a lot of people, I took "the gang" to mean Brandon, Meghan, Steve, Allison, and myself) on the day after Christmas. Yet, she said that she had nothing to do on Christmas day except for unwrapping gifts and dinner (Christmas dinner, I find more often than not, is more like a lunch because of the time, but is a dinner simply because of what it consists of), so I told her that she should come over to Brandon's house sometime during the day; Mr. Arce promised that he was going to make Cuban food and a lot of it, and I pity anyone who never has a chance to eat Mr. Arce's delicious food (His food is so outstanding that many people have told him that he should to open his own restaurant). Erin's face lit up (More than before) when I mentioned that she should come for the good food and company, and she only asked that I call her to tell her when I was going over.
Noticing that some of her family was arriving (It was about 9:30 PM, and I guess they were coming in from New York), Erin hugged me a third time and we parted with smiles on our faces.
While I was driving back to my house, I mulled over a question regarding that moment: was it born out of an animalistic id or passionate feelings for Erin? I thought about the former for a bit. If that "dream" had come from some animalistic desire for sex regardless of the woman, then I would not have thought about Erin. Allow me to be perfectly frank: Erin is not what I would call "sexy" by a long shot. Oh, I do believe that she is quite beautiful, but she is at most 5'4", at least 130 lbs, has wide hips, and I would be surprised if her breasts are any larger than a B cup. Now, I am not trying to degrade her at all, but just merely point out that she is not exactly sexy (At least, not from a modern American male standpoint). Thus, I would say that an animalistic desire, without regards for who the woman is, would be aimed more at a sexual object (I am not trying to objectify women, but the fact of the matter is that an animalistic desire would probably see the woman as a means to an end and nothing more) that possesses desirable sexual traits (Be it the perfect face, massive breasts, curvy body, or whatever). After thinking through the question with logic, I found that the "dream" came from passionate feelings for Erin.
Somewhere along being crazy over Erin, I unknowingly stopped being crazy about her and just began loving her.
Although I believe that there is a dividing line between being crazy over and being in love with someone, there is a fuzzy distinction. I am not sure quite how to explain it and put raw feelings into words, but you just know it. It is like using slightly different wrapping on one Christmas present than all of the rest; the fact that its color, pattern, and design is different distinguishes it from all of the rest of the presents that were wrapped all the same way, so it could even be said to be more special. Okay, so that is a bad analogy, but it gets the point across (Hopefully). I think about it some more, and I am still at a loss for how I can explain what the difference is. You can feel it in your bones and you know that it is a great thing.
And it makes you feel like a ray of sunshine. It makes you feel right as rain and it makes you feel like a million dollars even on a bad day. Love is what cleanses your soul of all of the bad shit that you have done in your life, allowing you to forget the less-than-good times with ease and giving you a goal that you have no problem with changing yourself in order to accomplish it. All day on Christmas Eve, I was tired and worn out from a previous night of partying with friends and listening to plenty of drama, yet as soon as I saw Erin, I felt more energized than I had been in years. I was not smiling to show teeth and feign any happiness; I was smiling because she was smiling at me, and that made me genuinely happy. Where I had once thought that my feelings for her may have been waning, I was proven wrong just by seeing her pretty smile and talking with her for a solid thirty minutes.
There is a bright center of my universe and its name is Erin Schmucker.
Oh sure, there is still a doubt in the back of my mind, and undoubtedly, meeting with any failure will lead to an opposite feeling, but for now, I have confidence and my worries are minimal. I recognize that my chances with getting together with Erin are not all that great, but I am going to make damn sure that I have the best chances possible at success. Although this may be coming out and sounding like "We're gonna win this battle, boys" or some silly speech about attaining victory using every means possible, I do not see it as a fight. It is a test of character, will, and determination; a test to see who I am and to see if I can be good enough of a man for Erin's love and affection. There is a set goal, and although attaining that goal is far more difficult than walking a path, it has been made already and I only need to accomplish it. However, there is no specific plan; I usually work without a plan, and despite the fact that not everything goes well without a plan, accomplishing the goal requires either an incredibly flexible plan or a plan that is made up as events occur. However, I do not use any particular plan because one would have a certain degree of inflexibility because specific solutions are not figured out for specific problems until problems actually present themselves.
In short, I will rely upon myself to see that my love embraces Erin one step at a time. With luck, our souls will be cleansed, leaving happiness and fulfillment. Or something mushy like that.
Oh yeah, Happy Holidays to everyone. It aer teh tasteh.
posted by Eric Joseph at 3:24 PM
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