All My Love
At this point, it has been almost a full six months since I began neglecting my blog. Finals are coming up, I am failing for the most part, and I have a lot of things that I need to get off of my chest. First off is this entry that I began a few months back but never found the time to complete.
Sorry for taking a two-month hiatus with this online journal, but between work, work, having a life, and everything else, there simply has not been a whole lot of time to write here, but that will change soon when I get back to Pitt for the semester. Anyways, the entry...
That was all I had written. I will continue on with explaining my thoughts and feelings from here on out.
For the first time in almost four months, I saw Erin last week during Thanksgiving break. My brother, some of his friends (Matt Jakab and John Taylor), and Steve were playing Halo the night that Steve and I had driven back from Pittsburgh. I remember Steve saying that Erin and Allison would be coming over to my place (Something I found mildly surprising; Erin had only ever been to my house one other time), and before the doorbell rang about midnight, I can remember feeling anxious like a race horse just before the start of the race. You know, that "butterflies in my stomach" feeling, only that it feels less dainty than a butterfly and more like you desperately want to do that something right now. Yet, before the doorbell rang, I began feeling relaxed and calm. I had not forgotten that they were coming, but I felt more at ease for some strange reason that I will never understand.
The doorbell rang, and I calmly stood up from the chair that my mother always knits in and I walked to the door like the UPS truck had come; a brisk pace, but not fast. I opened the door to find both Allison and Erin there (Actually, I had not seen Allison in two weeks because she had driven over to Pittsburgh to see Steve from November 15-17), and both of them were quick to give me a hug.
I was overwhelmed with a feeling upon hugging Erin, but I do not know what to call it. Perhaps the best word to describe it was "relief." Upon giving the letter typed above to Erin, I did not know how she would take it. Perhaps she had forgot about it in those four months, but I am sure that it still affected how she thought of me to some degree. Anyways, I think that the hug was confirmation to me that we were still on good terms (Of course, the AIM conversation that we had had about two months earlier had told me that as well, but there is a big difference between virtual and physical contact).
After Allison and Erin came in, they sat in the family room couch and watched Lance and company play some Halo. I sat in my mother's chair and enjoyed gazing at Erin. It was obvious to me that both women were uncomfortable with 18+ year-old men yelling and blowing shit up, even if it was a game, and Steve was the one to invite them into the living room. They sat on one of the white couches, Steve sat on the other, and I sat on the piano bench. From there, we talked for at least a good 45 minutes about college and how life was going, and although I did not notice this until afterwards, I did not really stutter at all. I mention this because I have been having problems lately; perhaps because of increased stress despite a decreased workload, but there were other factors that definitely involved school which I will talk about another time.
Anyways, I was happy. Actually, fuck that; I was completely enthralled. I was seeing Erin for the first time in months, and despite all of the parties at Pitt and all of the online activities I had involved myself in (Which is another story), I had never really felt all that happy. Yet, for every depressed idiot, there is valium; for me, there is Erin. This brings up another question: can I be truly happy without Erin?
But this brings up an even more important question: do I make her happy?
As I think about that question, I am reminded of how I went to Penn State with Brandon (He had driven from Penn State to Pitt just to drive me back so we could party together; the lack of car on my part will be explained later) and how we were sitting around that Saturday afternoon drinking a mixed drink in Meghan's dorm. I forget what brought up the conversation, but somehow, we got to talking about how I felt about Erin. Both Brandon and Meghan (Yes, I just realized that I have even more to explain as far as Brandon and Meghan) already knew that I was crazy about Erin, but Brandon was trying to get me to see things the way that he saw them. Basically, the conversation became Brandon talking about how Erin is Mormon and I am not; I told him that under no circumstances was I about to go as far as becoming a Mormon in order to find my true love since that was beyond compromising. We both came to the conclusion that the chances of me going anywhere in a closer relationship with Erin were highly improbable.
What resulted was a drop of doubt, and drops cause ripples.
I think those ripples were what had hurt me the most. I could handle the direct impact of "Eric, you and Erin will probably never get together" from Brandon, but the ripples are the ones that had the most powerful impact. After returning back to Pitt, I had a month to let that tear me apart from inside. I can remember having that crushing feeling in my chest numerous times to the point that I thought I would break down and cry. However, that feeling was caused by doubts that I had about the relationship, and seeing Erin again was the cure to those doubts; seeing her smile washed away those "It will never work out" thoughts.
However, I am avoiding the question I asked before: do I make Erin happy? Honestly, I do not know the answer to that question. I will try my best to make Erin happy, but that is like promising a small child that their runaway puppy will be back home in the morning; you do not know if you can deliver. I already said to Erin that she makes me want to be a better man, and a part of being that better man includes making the relationship mutual. I mean to say, she can make me happy, but I also want to make her happy in return; there are no one-way streets in a relationship and I do not want to pretend that there may be any.
I am not sure how or why, but I think that Erin had become more beautiful. Perhaps it was like not eating for a few days; since hunger is the best spice, the next thing that you eat will taste amazing. But I digress. Erin is still Erin, and I am still crazy about her.
Erin is the only person that I have ever said "All my love" to, and it is something that I say with complete seriousness behind it.
Sorry for taking a two-month hiatus with this online journal, but between work, work, having a life, and everything else, there simply has not been a whole lot of time to write here, but that will change soon when I get back to Pitt for the semester. Anyways, the entry...
Erin,This was a letter I wrote for Erin, which I attached to the present I gave her. I wrote the letter itself on Tuesday (August 12) and Erin was leaving to go off to college on Wednesday (August 13).
It feels a bit cheap to not convey my thoughts and feelings to you verbally, but seeing as how my speech impediment hinders normal conversation, words said are simply translated into words written. I will try to keep it short and concise.
I guess this is the point where I speak about some subject matter that is a bit more serious. I am sure that many people (me included) have talked to you about college. I am not about to preach to you all about what you should do; rather, I think it is more important to tell you what it is like. College is where you will see more things than you ever expected, and you will encounter more things than you may want. They are merely tests, meant to make you think about whom you are and what it is you believe in, but they are also chance for you to question the same of them. One definite feeling that I got from college was that going to Hershey had closed me off from people around me; Hershey had more than its fair share of shady people, and it was refreshing to learn that there are more people with similar tastes and ideas as my own. College is also a place where you can restart yourself; you are not longer bound by any mental image of what other people believe you to be because no one knows you as a freshman, so it is up to you to build yourself in other peoples’ minds as how you want to be.
This will be the only part where I preach to you, but go to parties at college. If you believe a party can only be a party if there is alcohol and/or drugs involved, then I would have to disagree, since there are plenty of better things to do at them. They are a place to meet people, dance, listen to music, chill out, or practically anything else.
On a more personal note, I still have strong feelings for you, and although I do not know whether those feelings are similar from you, I have the patience to wait. You said that you did not want to start anything because then you would become too attached, but if you want to start something a bit more serious next summer, that is fine by me. However, please do not feel that you owe any obligation to me; if you find someone else in the meantime, you will hear no complaints from me.
Just so I do not forget to mention it, the present that came along with this letter is a toothbrush holder. One of my roommates from last year gave it to me, partially because he did not want to have to take it with him back home and partially because I liked it. Besides, when you are living with a few people, having a toothbrush holder like it makes things a bit easier.
All my love,
Eric Joseph
P.S. And whatever you do, please do not lose that sparkle in your eyes.
That was all I had written. I will continue on with explaining my thoughts and feelings from here on out.
For the first time in almost four months, I saw Erin last week during Thanksgiving break. My brother, some of his friends (Matt Jakab and John Taylor), and Steve were playing Halo the night that Steve and I had driven back from Pittsburgh. I remember Steve saying that Erin and Allison would be coming over to my place (Something I found mildly surprising; Erin had only ever been to my house one other time), and before the doorbell rang about midnight, I can remember feeling anxious like a race horse just before the start of the race. You know, that "butterflies in my stomach" feeling, only that it feels less dainty than a butterfly and more like you desperately want to do that something right now. Yet, before the doorbell rang, I began feeling relaxed and calm. I had not forgotten that they were coming, but I felt more at ease for some strange reason that I will never understand.
The doorbell rang, and I calmly stood up from the chair that my mother always knits in and I walked to the door like the UPS truck had come; a brisk pace, but not fast. I opened the door to find both Allison and Erin there (Actually, I had not seen Allison in two weeks because she had driven over to Pittsburgh to see Steve from November 15-17), and both of them were quick to give me a hug.
I was overwhelmed with a feeling upon hugging Erin, but I do not know what to call it. Perhaps the best word to describe it was "relief." Upon giving the letter typed above to Erin, I did not know how she would take it. Perhaps she had forgot about it in those four months, but I am sure that it still affected how she thought of me to some degree. Anyways, I think that the hug was confirmation to me that we were still on good terms (Of course, the AIM conversation that we had had about two months earlier had told me that as well, but there is a big difference between virtual and physical contact).
After Allison and Erin came in, they sat in the family room couch and watched Lance and company play some Halo. I sat in my mother's chair and enjoyed gazing at Erin. It was obvious to me that both women were uncomfortable with 18+ year-old men yelling and blowing shit up, even if it was a game, and Steve was the one to invite them into the living room. They sat on one of the white couches, Steve sat on the other, and I sat on the piano bench. From there, we talked for at least a good 45 minutes about college and how life was going, and although I did not notice this until afterwards, I did not really stutter at all. I mention this because I have been having problems lately; perhaps because of increased stress despite a decreased workload, but there were other factors that definitely involved school which I will talk about another time.
Anyways, I was happy. Actually, fuck that; I was completely enthralled. I was seeing Erin for the first time in months, and despite all of the parties at Pitt and all of the online activities I had involved myself in (Which is another story), I had never really felt all that happy. Yet, for every depressed idiot, there is valium; for me, there is Erin. This brings up another question: can I be truly happy without Erin?
But this brings up an even more important question: do I make her happy?
As I think about that question, I am reminded of how I went to Penn State with Brandon (He had driven from Penn State to Pitt just to drive me back so we could party together; the lack of car on my part will be explained later) and how we were sitting around that Saturday afternoon drinking a mixed drink in Meghan's dorm. I forget what brought up the conversation, but somehow, we got to talking about how I felt about Erin. Both Brandon and Meghan (Yes, I just realized that I have even more to explain as far as Brandon and Meghan) already knew that I was crazy about Erin, but Brandon was trying to get me to see things the way that he saw them. Basically, the conversation became Brandon talking about how Erin is Mormon and I am not; I told him that under no circumstances was I about to go as far as becoming a Mormon in order to find my true love since that was beyond compromising. We both came to the conclusion that the chances of me going anywhere in a closer relationship with Erin were highly improbable.
What resulted was a drop of doubt, and drops cause ripples.
I think those ripples were what had hurt me the most. I could handle the direct impact of "Eric, you and Erin will probably never get together" from Brandon, but the ripples are the ones that had the most powerful impact. After returning back to Pitt, I had a month to let that tear me apart from inside. I can remember having that crushing feeling in my chest numerous times to the point that I thought I would break down and cry. However, that feeling was caused by doubts that I had about the relationship, and seeing Erin again was the cure to those doubts; seeing her smile washed away those "It will never work out" thoughts.
However, I am avoiding the question I asked before: do I make Erin happy? Honestly, I do not know the answer to that question. I will try my best to make Erin happy, but that is like promising a small child that their runaway puppy will be back home in the morning; you do not know if you can deliver. I already said to Erin that she makes me want to be a better man, and a part of being that better man includes making the relationship mutual. I mean to say, she can make me happy, but I also want to make her happy in return; there are no one-way streets in a relationship and I do not want to pretend that there may be any.
I am not sure how or why, but I think that Erin had become more beautiful. Perhaps it was like not eating for a few days; since hunger is the best spice, the next thing that you eat will taste amazing. But I digress. Erin is still Erin, and I am still crazy about her.
Erin is the only person that I have ever said "All my love" to, and it is something that I say with complete seriousness behind it.
posted by Eric Joseph at 3:33 PM
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