Foreign Territory
As I read over my last entry, I realize it has one fatal flaw: I fail to fully expand on how Boy Scouts is fun and what duty requires. I fear I was just filling in "useless" words in an effort for a higher post count. I look back through my journal and realize that I have posted five times in five days, with only twelve hours separating "Minute Details" and "Forgotten Pictures." I need to stay away from post count or viewed count "obsession." Anyways...
For my first steps into foreign territory, I thought it all went pretty well.
That same night, I went through the whole situation and tried to evaluate myself. As I recalled my own actions, I realized that I did not really act like how a boyfriend acts, but I further question my own actions and find myself saying that I did not open this door or pull out this chair for her because I want a casual relationship. Also, it felt awkward; I am not normally the kind of person to do those little things for someone else. When I first picked her up, I opened my car door for her, but it felt too weird; if we were in a closer relationship, it probably would not have felt abnormal. I had no problem with paying Erin's way through the whole night (She wanted to pay, but she had only $3 on her), but doing those little chivalrous things seemed too formal. And as I give the "paying her way through the night" idea more thought, it brings up another possibility: buying friends.
I could have come over to her house the next day, but I was confused as to what the "rules" were to how Mormons treat Sunday, the day of their Sabbath. Instead, I came over to her house on Monday (Memorial Day) with a 16 lbs box of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, to which Mrs. Schmucker replied, "Eric... why did you bring over ice cream? I am trying to keep off the pounds." Erin was happy to see a "massive" box (They are not massive to me anymore) of ice cream being brought to her house. As she ate a bowl of the stuff and we sat on her driveway, I got a chance to meet her senior prom date (Yet another Steve that she knows; I swear that she has at least a dozen friends named Steve). He mentioned something about a picnic, and suddenly, I was invited to go to a Mormon picnic. I certainly was not about to say "No"; seeing as how I wanted to get closer to Erin, I saw it as an easy way to get that much closer.
What I received made me feel more distant.
Upon going to the picnic, it was very apparent that Erin was welcomed quite openly by everyone because she knew everyone there. However, the sensation was quite different from my perspective. I use the term "Gaijin Complex" from Japanese Culture: A Primer For Newcomers because it accurately describes the situation. Basically, it was "us and them." Of the dozens of people I met there, only two or three actually went further than "Hi, my name is ______" when talking to me. While I was not expecting to be welcomed by everyone, I was not expecting such a cold response from almost everyone. After a while, I was expecting someone to openly say, "Get the fuck out of here," but that never happened; this never happened because most of them are almost painfully nice, and openly saying something that harsh is not in their nature. However, one thing I do not like is when people hide their emotions and feign politeness; covert dislike is just as bad as overt dislike.
I remember once reading in a book that Mormons had a specific word for non-Mormons, but the word eludes me at the moment.
Another specific feeling that I got from attending this picnic was that I was a dog on a leash with Erin holding the end. I realize that this was not Erin's intention, but this is how I felt when it was all said and done. We came together and never once did I stray further than 20 feet from Erin (Or rather, Erin stray from me) without her telling me to "Come here" or "Eric, I want you to meet Sister/Brother ______." She would "drop me off" at a table, go get some food, then come back to find me in the same place and not saying much. I would attempt to start conversations with people around me, but I received the "gentle" brush-off every time. I was the "dog" simply being led around by Erin and did not deserve any attention.
Today (May 28, 2003), Erin and Allison had an "All-Star" game for PIAA soccer (I guess it was their unofficial last soccer game in high school). I mention this because, as I left Erin's on Monday, I told Erin that we would probably do something on Wednesday (Today). However, what actually happened would be what I would call a "big fucking waste of time" (Granted, I was not doing anything specific nor did I have any plans for the rest of the night). After Erin and Allison lost their game, we drove to someone's house which was located behind Lower Dauphin High School, drove to the local Wendy's, and found out that our group of four was not having dinner together. Steve and Allison had to help Allison's step-father drop off a car somewhere, Erin got food with another friend at the Drive Thru (I guess they call it "Thru" instead of "Through" because it might cost them a few more bucks per sign if they spelled it properly), and I was left out to dry. Basically, I had been led around, thinking that we would do something semi-productive, and in the end, nothing happened.
In afterthought, I looked closely at people's behavior. With the exception for when Allison threw my right sandal at my testicles (Oh, does she throw hard), Erin never really paid much attention to me. I am not about to get envious about the fact that Erin talked to and gave more attention to Steve than she did to me, but it certainly is disheartening. And by no means do I want to "hog her all to myself" or anything stupid such as that, but it would be nice if she had just talked to me without me having to initiate the conversation. As I think harder and harder about this, it makes me feel as if the prior "progress" that I had with Erin simply went up in smoke; back to square one; like we never had gone out at all.
I found the words to ask Erin out, but I need to take it a step further from that. I think that I need to find the words to express my feelings towards her, to let her know that I want to be a bit more than friends, to let her know that I love her. But I would be a fool if I did not think that this would possibly scare Erin away entirely. I question the need to do this; I realize that our relationship is static because Erin is not really "taking me seriously," but I have a strong feeling that Erin would not be able to face me again if I express to her my true thoughts and feelings about her.
If self-improvement is not the answer, perhaps self-destruction is.
I already said in another entry "Erin makes me want to be a better man," but I realize that the opposite is true as well. If Erin can make me want to be better, then Erin can also make me want to be worse. I am not lying in the least bit when I say that thinking of Erin has made me seriously consider suicide. By no means do I want to bring harm to Erin, but the more I think that my attempted relationship with her is a complete failure, the more I consider suicide to be a viable option to solving a problem that I think is of the utmost importance: the ability to get close to someone of the opposite sex. I know that Kain would say something like "Anime will solve your problem"; my mother would say something like "Family/Work will solve your problem"; Brandon would say something like "Weed will solve your problem." However, I do not consider those to be solid solutions. I find two definitive answers: get into a closer relationship with Erin or suicide.
Another possible conclusion I cannot dismiss entirely: I just have not found her yet. I could just be overreacting to all of this and not looking at it from a more objective position. Erin is merely the first woman I have ever dated, and I am trying hard to make Erin be the "right" woman when she really cannot be. If this were true, then it would definitely break my heart seeing as how I already have my heart set on Erin. Just as I said a few months back, I just want a relationship with some real substance to it; I could care less about the sex aspect, but rather, I care about building a relationship that works and where the two of us care for one another beyond a mere superficial level. Even as I know Erin's personality and patterns, I have a bad feeling that she is not looking for a boyfriend, but that is not really an excuse to make my effort half-assed.
Asking Erin out in the first place was hard enough, but I still have to keep on going. Courage will come to me eventually; in the meantime, I have to tread lightly in the foreign territory that goes by the name of "Love."
Last Friday (May 23, 2003), I finally asked Erin out. The next night, we went to Appalachian Brewing Company for dinner, then met up with Steve and Allison to go see Bringing Down The House (A surprisingly all right movie) at a local theater in Middletown. Before we went to the movie, we stopped at a local Aeropostale where Steve and I tried on clothes while Allison and Erin gave their opinions on how they looked. I had Erin home by 11 PM, we hugged, and I asked her if she wanted to go out again the next week, to which she said, "Yes."Major Archie Gates (Three Kings)
The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage after you do it, not before you do it.
For my first steps into foreign territory, I thought it all went pretty well.
That same night, I went through the whole situation and tried to evaluate myself. As I recalled my own actions, I realized that I did not really act like how a boyfriend acts, but I further question my own actions and find myself saying that I did not open this door or pull out this chair for her because I want a casual relationship. Also, it felt awkward; I am not normally the kind of person to do those little things for someone else. When I first picked her up, I opened my car door for her, but it felt too weird; if we were in a closer relationship, it probably would not have felt abnormal. I had no problem with paying Erin's way through the whole night (She wanted to pay, but she had only $3 on her), but doing those little chivalrous things seemed too formal. And as I give the "paying her way through the night" idea more thought, it brings up another possibility: buying friends.
I could have come over to her house the next day, but I was confused as to what the "rules" were to how Mormons treat Sunday, the day of their Sabbath. Instead, I came over to her house on Monday (Memorial Day) with a 16 lbs box of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, to which Mrs. Schmucker replied, "Eric... why did you bring over ice cream? I am trying to keep off the pounds." Erin was happy to see a "massive" box (They are not massive to me anymore) of ice cream being brought to her house. As she ate a bowl of the stuff and we sat on her driveway, I got a chance to meet her senior prom date (Yet another Steve that she knows; I swear that she has at least a dozen friends named Steve). He mentioned something about a picnic, and suddenly, I was invited to go to a Mormon picnic. I certainly was not about to say "No"; seeing as how I wanted to get closer to Erin, I saw it as an easy way to get that much closer.
What I received made me feel more distant.
Upon going to the picnic, it was very apparent that Erin was welcomed quite openly by everyone because she knew everyone there. However, the sensation was quite different from my perspective. I use the term "Gaijin Complex" from Japanese Culture: A Primer For Newcomers because it accurately describes the situation. Basically, it was "us and them." Of the dozens of people I met there, only two or three actually went further than "Hi, my name is ______" when talking to me. While I was not expecting to be welcomed by everyone, I was not expecting such a cold response from almost everyone. After a while, I was expecting someone to openly say, "Get the fuck out of here," but that never happened; this never happened because most of them are almost painfully nice, and openly saying something that harsh is not in their nature. However, one thing I do not like is when people hide their emotions and feign politeness; covert dislike is just as bad as overt dislike.
I remember once reading in a book that Mormons had a specific word for non-Mormons, but the word eludes me at the moment.
Another specific feeling that I got from attending this picnic was that I was a dog on a leash with Erin holding the end. I realize that this was not Erin's intention, but this is how I felt when it was all said and done. We came together and never once did I stray further than 20 feet from Erin (Or rather, Erin stray from me) without her telling me to "Come here" or "Eric, I want you to meet Sister/Brother ______." She would "drop me off" at a table, go get some food, then come back to find me in the same place and not saying much. I would attempt to start conversations with people around me, but I received the "gentle" brush-off every time. I was the "dog" simply being led around by Erin and did not deserve any attention.
Today (May 28, 2003), Erin and Allison had an "All-Star" game for PIAA soccer (I guess it was their unofficial last soccer game in high school). I mention this because, as I left Erin's on Monday, I told Erin that we would probably do something on Wednesday (Today). However, what actually happened would be what I would call a "big fucking waste of time" (Granted, I was not doing anything specific nor did I have any plans for the rest of the night). After Erin and Allison lost their game, we drove to someone's house which was located behind Lower Dauphin High School, drove to the local Wendy's, and found out that our group of four was not having dinner together. Steve and Allison had to help Allison's step-father drop off a car somewhere, Erin got food with another friend at the Drive Thru (I guess they call it "Thru" instead of "Through" because it might cost them a few more bucks per sign if they spelled it properly), and I was left out to dry. Basically, I had been led around, thinking that we would do something semi-productive, and in the end, nothing happened.
In afterthought, I looked closely at people's behavior. With the exception for when Allison threw my right sandal at my testicles (Oh, does she throw hard), Erin never really paid much attention to me. I am not about to get envious about the fact that Erin talked to and gave more attention to Steve than she did to me, but it certainly is disheartening. And by no means do I want to "hog her all to myself" or anything stupid such as that, but it would be nice if she had just talked to me without me having to initiate the conversation. As I think harder and harder about this, it makes me feel as if the prior "progress" that I had with Erin simply went up in smoke; back to square one; like we never had gone out at all.
I found the words to ask Erin out, but I need to take it a step further from that. I think that I need to find the words to express my feelings towards her, to let her know that I want to be a bit more than friends, to let her know that I love her. But I would be a fool if I did not think that this would possibly scare Erin away entirely. I question the need to do this; I realize that our relationship is static because Erin is not really "taking me seriously," but I have a strong feeling that Erin would not be able to face me again if I express to her my true thoughts and feelings about her.
If self-improvement is not the answer, perhaps self-destruction is.
I already said in another entry "Erin makes me want to be a better man," but I realize that the opposite is true as well. If Erin can make me want to be better, then Erin can also make me want to be worse. I am not lying in the least bit when I say that thinking of Erin has made me seriously consider suicide. By no means do I want to bring harm to Erin, but the more I think that my attempted relationship with her is a complete failure, the more I consider suicide to be a viable option to solving a problem that I think is of the utmost importance: the ability to get close to someone of the opposite sex. I know that Kain would say something like "Anime will solve your problem"; my mother would say something like "Family/Work will solve your problem"; Brandon would say something like "Weed will solve your problem." However, I do not consider those to be solid solutions. I find two definitive answers: get into a closer relationship with Erin or suicide.
Another possible conclusion I cannot dismiss entirely: I just have not found her yet. I could just be overreacting to all of this and not looking at it from a more objective position. Erin is merely the first woman I have ever dated, and I am trying hard to make Erin be the "right" woman when she really cannot be. If this were true, then it would definitely break my heart seeing as how I already have my heart set on Erin. Just as I said a few months back, I just want a relationship with some real substance to it; I could care less about the sex aspect, but rather, I care about building a relationship that works and where the two of us care for one another beyond a mere superficial level. Even as I know Erin's personality and patterns, I have a bad feeling that she is not looking for a boyfriend, but that is not really an excuse to make my effort half-assed.
Asking Erin out in the first place was hard enough, but I still have to keep on going. Courage will come to me eventually; in the meantime, I have to tread lightly in the foreign territory that goes by the name of "Love."
posted by Eric Joseph at 1:57 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home