Words That We Couldn't Say

Words that we couldn't say (Cowboy Bebop)
Someday maybe
We'll make it right
Until that day
Long endless nights
We couldn't say them
So now we just pray them
Words that we couldn't say

Last Friday (May 5, 2003), I got a call on my cell phone from my friend Brandon while I was at work. He briefly mentioned something about going to see a movie with Steve, but the main chunk of his conversation was aimed at the two of us hanging out somewhere. I agreed to call him back after I got out of work because I was a bit busy at the time. Ten hours later, I called him back, and he immediately wanted to come pick me up so we could hang out at his "friend's" apartment (I say "friend" because the person in question is borderline friend-acquaintance). It took me four times of telling him "I need to get a shower and eat some dinner" for him to understand that I would not be ready if he were to come pick me up at that very moment. He told me to call him back after I had done those two things, and I agreed to do just that.

I never called Brandon back that night.

I called up Steve after finishing dinner because I wanted clarification on the movie part of the conversation that I had had with Brandon earlier. Steve wanted the five of us (Steve, Allison, Erin, me, and Brandon; I find it a bit funny how I want to group myself with Erin even though proper English grammar dictates that the "me" or "I" goes at the end) to go see X-Men 2 at a local movie theater, and I thought it was a good idea (As opposed to hanging out with Brandon, spending the night getting high, and feeling like shit the next morning at work). However, plans never seem to survive their first contact with reality intact. We ended up going to Allison's house (Where she invited Jessica Caso over, but Jess has little to do with what we did) and played Trivial Pursuit for an hour or two.

None of us bothered to call Brandon.

With five players, we did not get all that far into Trivial Pursuit, partially because no one was especially good at the game and partially because we did not give the game enough time to be played out in full. After the game faded away, we sat around the television in Allison's basement and watched an English soccer game (All three girls are currently in soccer, even with Jess going to college), and I enjoyed my time sitting with Erin on one of the couches. We sat close to one another even though the couch was not small, and it felt great (Great does not begin to describe the feeling). Erin and I physically touched one another in different places and even held that touch for several minutes at a time, but never once did it feel awkward or wrong. It always felt nice. It was soothing to smell her; her odor is far from overwhelming but still holds its own presence. I may not be in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship with Erin yet, but spending a good hour with her like that was a small slice of bliss.

I completely forgot about Brandon.

A few centuries ago, there was a death penalty technique referred to as "stoning" whereby stones were placed upon a person's chest until the person broke. I always have that feeling whenever I think of Erin but I cannot be with her, physically or in spirit; the feeling that there is just so much weight placed upon my chest that it slowly begins to crumble faster and faster beneath mounting pressure. It is just that feeling of an implosion that is impossible to evade because it is something that you carry around with you all the time. This feeling has no name, but if I had to name it, I would call it "Desiring love."

I have not talked to Brandon in days.

I mention both Brandon and Erin because I find a dilemma cropping its ugly head up: I try to get closer to Erin and I end up getting further from Brandon at the same time. If I cannot handle this dilemma correctly, I could lose both of them; losing even one of them would be terrible. If I can somehow find a compromise between both, I fear that I will not make any headway with Erin, or that the opposing interests of both Erin and Brandon would somehow tear me apart. Brandon is heavily into drugs and alcohol and he wants to "share" that with me, but if I were to be getting high everyday and drinking in the mornings to wake me up, that would probably turn off Erin from having any thoughts of getting into a closer relationship with me. At the same time, if I were to never consume drugs or alcohol again in order to please Erin, Brandon would undoubtedly get pissed off at me for "rejecting" that side of him.

I lack the words to say what desperately needs to be said, and this has nothing to do with my stutter. I need to be able to tell Erin my feelings for her, so that she may understand some of the feelings that run through my veins for her. I need to be able to say "Erin, I love you" to her face. At the same time, I need to be able to tell Brandon that, while he may love getting high as a kite everyday, I do not and cannot less I sacrifice all of my efforts towards getting with Erin. However, I need to learn to incorporate both Erin and Brandon into my schedule more and more with making as few and as small of sacrifices as possible.

Note: Took a few days off of writing this entry at this point.

At Erin and Allison's last soccer game, they lost, effectively ending their soccer careers in high school. After games, the girls soccer team usually goes over to the concession stands to meet their friends and family (I guess it is just a subconsciously decided meeting point, or something that one person does and everyone else follows), and Allison was the only one to come over. She was in tears because of their loss, and Erin did not even come over (Even though her family was there at the game). About an hour and a half later back at Hershey High School, the girl's team was dropped off, and I had decided to stay around and greet them all as they got off (Which brings up the question of whether that would be called a really "sweet" move or signs of a stalker). Allison was still in tears, and Erin was in tears as well. However, there seemed to be a large shift in mood: what were once tears of sadness over losing were now tears of sadness over never being able to play with their team again.

I gave Erin a hug at that point, but I question this move on my part; was this hugging just something used to comfort her or to comfort myself. My intention was to comfort her, seeing as how I rarely do ever hug her, and this would be seen as something "rare" or "special." However, what if I just wanted to comfort myself? As I think about that prospect, it feels almost like having sex with a woman who just recently lost a family member; there is no meaning in the sex, and you are "using" the woman when she is in extreme emotional distress. Basically, taking advantage of someone else when they are in a "weakened" position. As awkward as this possibility may sound, it is not something that I want to dismiss altogether.

Erin's eyes may not be very pretty, but she has an excellent smile and a good personality to boot.

Brandon has called my cell phone multiple times in the past few days (He even got one of his friends to call my cell phone in an "effort" to get me to respond), but I have not bothered to call him back. I question my actions, wondering if this is the proper move that a friend should make. Ignoring friends is not what other friends do, but at the same time, I do not want to be constantly pulled in directions that I hate or dislike. This brings up another topic for another entry, but that will happen at another time. I understand how a lot of drugs work through first-hand knowledge and use of them, but using drugs makes me lose control of who I am. As I think of this happening, I am reminded of Brandon. If there was ever a drug I needed, I could get it from Brandon in as little as 30 minutes. However, I do not feel a need to use drugs on a regular basis; Brandon wishes to force it upon me.

Some may say that Brandon is only encouraging me to smoke weed or snort cocaine with him, but that is an incorrect statement. In the past five months, every time I have seen Brandon, drugs always enter the picture in one way or another. I will go over to his house, and he will want me to down shots of cheap vodka with him for little or no reason. I will go over and hang out at one of his friend's apartments, and he will want me to smoke a few bowls and then drive home. It is a constant peer pressure to do drugs, and I honestly do not know why I should not be able to enjoy life without getting high as fuck everyday. It just feels as if every time I go hang with him, I will have drugs thrust upon me despite any wish to remain "clean."

Saying "No" is the hardest part.

On paper, it is easy to write "No, I don't want to take drugs"; in a DARE class, it is easy to promise "I will always remain drug-free." However, try saying those lines to a friend of yours who you have known for many years. Those lines are useless when telling a friend "No," because in some sense, refusing drugs from a friend is also refusing your friend. If they support it and you casually toss it aside, you trivialize what they hold dear.

While I do not want to deny either Erin or Brandon, I know that I will be forced to make a choice sooner or later. Something that I need to find is the courage to tell both of them what is needed. For Erin, I need to properly communicate my feelings to her about how I think we should get into a relationship together. For Brandon, I need to properly communicate that I do not always want to take drugs, and that when I tell him "No, I don't feel like doing a gravity bong now," I am not "throwing away" who he is; I am "throwing away" drugs.

But these words elude me at their most needed moments.