The Hedgehog's Dilemma

The Hedgehog's Dilemma from Arthur Schopenhauer's "Parerga and Paralipomena"
To keep themselves warm, the hedgehogs huddled together causing them to be pricked by each others' spines, thus making them keep a distance from each other. As the night wore on, they huddled and separated until finally they found a common, bearable distance from both their spines and the cold.

I think that I may be in love.

Many problems seem to stem from my stuttering problem, and simply ignoring them does not fix them. For a good six years of my life, I spent everyday in school being tormented for being different, and this is not some pity vote. I can remember catching flak from everyone about anything, whether it was because I wore the wrong pants to saying the wrong thing to saying anything at all. Consequently, I am always apprehensive to do many things. While I always want to reach out to everyone however I can, I am hindered by this communication obstacle that I cannot get around. I hate my stutter and it usually only helps to make me hate myself, who I am.

While I am hesitant to reach out to someone else for love, it is something that I just want; something that I can feel in my bones. This is not some silly "I need a quick fuck and I will be alright" situation. In fact, it has almost nothing to do with sex. If it was only sex, then this would be an easy situation and I could have hopped into bed with a number of women throughout my years. Hell, the whole virginity debacle is overrated as far as I am concerned, and I would have no problem with "giving it up" if the problem was only a need for sex. I will not deny that sex is apart of this feeling, but it is only a small portion. There is far more to a relationship than just sex, and for anyone who believes that the only fun in a relationship comes from sex, I pity them.

Her name is Erin Schmucker.

I met Erin for the first time back in my senior year of high school, and at the time, I was a bit annoyed with her constant upbeat and cheerful attitude, although I do not know why I was like that (Perhaps it was the "senior year attitude"). My friend Brandon told me to take her to the senior prom, but I did not want to. By this time, I was cool with Erin, but I had my eyes set on taking Courtney George (Actually, I initially wanted to take Amanda Frankeny, but I never worked up the courage to ask her, and the fact that I had friends that directly knew Courtney made it a lot easier). In short, Courtney dumped me at the prom, and that was the closest I have ever come to literally killing someone before. For a more detailed account of what exactly happened at my senior prom, click here, but in short, it was bad. However, I think that the turning point that brought me back to my humanity was when I danced with Erin. My eyes were still teary from crying so much, but as I danced with her, my tears dried up and I felt bliss.

The next Homecoming dance at my high school (Which took place during my freshman year at college) was spent with Erin. The dance itself was a big "bleh," meaning that it sucked, but my time spent with Erin was a blast. I openly admit to being one of the worst dancers to ever walk on Earth, but dancing with Erin made me feel like I could make John Travolta look like a one-legged idiot next to me. I cannot keep a beat, but with Erin, I could do anything. I felt like I was ten feet tall; like I could take on the whole world and be home in time for breakfast; like I was in love.

Erin makes me want to be a better man.

Let me clear up a few things about Erin. She is not hot at all, but she is definitely cute, and I could easily call her beautiful without feeling that I was lying or twisting my own words. She is two years younger than I am and has yet to graduate from high school. She is a small Caucasian girl who is one of the kindest people I have ever known, and when I call her kind, I call her "kind" to the point of being ignorant about some things (Mostly in sexual matters). She makes friends very easily and I would have a hard time believing that anyone could hate her. She is very cheerful to the point that it is depressing as hell to see her in pain or just not happy; when she smiles, it makes you want to smile as well. I would not say that she is an intellectual person, but she is definitely smart; she lacks that certain complexity to make me want to say that she is a "deep thinker," but she is still intelligent.

Erin is a Mormon.

I mention this religious aspect not simply for the sake of making some idiotic comment like "OMFG, SEH'S MORMOM!!!111" or anything like that, but because I know that it is a subject that would come up sooner rather than later were we to get into a serious relationship. This is only one issue that makes me hesitant to get into a relationship with her; I am not Mormon and she is. I may be incorrect, but from my understanding of Mormonism, I would have to be converted in order for us to become married, and I do not intend on joining a religion simply because I am in love with a lovely lady. I realize that marriage requires a lot of compromises, but I feel that changing myself in such a fashion is going a bit too far. I fully respect her beliefs, but twisting myself in such a way would be manipulating who I am; I have no belief in a god, nor do I plan to ever adopt such beliefs.

Last night (May 2, 2003), we (Steve, Allison, Erin, and I) went to Applebee's for dinner, and I can say that we had a good time (Now that I think about it, I have not discussed who Allison is; basically, Allison is Steve's "fiancée," a term that they do not like to use but I use because of their very close relationship). While there, a few things of interest happened. Other than the usual chit chat, I found out that Erin enjoyed making out, which was a plus for me, because knowing how nothing sexual would ever happen with her until marriage, making out is still a lot of fun (Something that I found out through another incident that I may discuss in the future). A possible big minus was when Allison said to Erin, "Yeah, and when you do go to your college (I forget the exact name of the college, but it is suppose to be a Mormon college), you can find hot guys there and actually date them." I say that this is a possible minus because Allison always has this ring to her voice that makes it sound like she is being sarcastic most of the time. However, if she was being serious when she said that, then I fear that any relationship with her beyond friends would be impossible.

I fear rejection. There is no hate of rejection, but definite fear, and a reasonable one at that. I do not want to be cast aside by someone that I treat as a friend or something similar. I remember being rejected by Courtney at my senior prom, and it felt horrible, disgusting, disheartening, and scary. I think that was the first time I ever truly felt rejection on a more personal male-female level. Once tasted, it is a feeling that I will never forget, just like the first time you ever smell burning human flesh. I am afraid that if I am rejected by Erin, my perspective of her will change for the worse, which is not something I want but is almost involuntary. I like Erin as a friend and I want to be in a closer relationship, but I do not want to taste rejection again, not on that level.

However, I am jumping ahead of myself by thinking about long-range plans; I have yet to actually start dating Erin, and I always have nagging doubts in the back of my mind about this desire. I do not wish to "toot my own horn," but this is the part that sucks about being intelligent: you think about everything from multiple angles in order to have a better grasp of it and yourself. I cannot help but to think about one possibility: Erin does not like me in the same way that I wish/perceive. Another equally disturbing possibility: I do not know how to love someone else. These are possible avenues I cannot deny existing, almost like how I cannot deny the mask on my own face most of the time. I do not want to believe that they can exist, but they may.

Maybe Erin does have similar feelings for me.

I fear the Hedgehog's Dilemma. I fear that Erin and I are at our comfortable distance from one another, where we know that we cannot get any closer without hurting one another in some way and where we know that we cannot back away from each other without leaving one another feeling "cold." I always try to take down my spines in attempts to be closer, but I know that as I am taking down some spines, others that I may not see in time are going up. I want to get closer, even if that may mean that I could be hurt by whatever happens. I have been a hedgehog for so long in an effort to protect myself, but now that I want to be close to someone else, I find that I may hurt her unintentionally while protecting myself.

I find myself at a pivotal junction in my life: take a chance and try to get into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship with Erin (For all of the knowledge that I possess, I still do not know how to "ask a woman out") or take the easy/lonely way out of it and just stay friends with Erin without trying to get closer. I know I could wade through piles of dead bodies while swimming through blood and bile, but I hesitate to ask a woman out on a date. Just knowing about this fact makes me feel pathetic, but I know something else: whether or not I am rejected by Erin, it will be a growing experience for me. At the same time, I do not want to feel that type of pain again, but I know that I will have to sooner or later.

Someone once asked me why I enjoy writing. I think that by writing, I can slowly take down those spines, one by one in an effort to get closer enough to someone else.

I am in love.