Fallout

Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson) - As Good As It Gets
You make me want to be a better man.

Although she spoke many words, they could all be summarized into one: "No."

Friday (June 6, 2003) was a different day, and by that I mean different from the norm. Getting up at 6 AM to go to work is a strain on me, especially after getting only five hours of sleep, but this is normal. It was the first day this season that I was sucked into working overtime without my consent, and when you are working under the burning sun for hours on end, the chances of sunburns and frayed nerves increases dramatically. Nine and a half hours after arriving at work (I was 14 minutes late, but no one really cares as long as I do my job), I finally got to go home. I had talked to Erin on Wednesday (June 4, 2003) on the phone, and I had told her that I wanted to talk to her face-to-face (My parents told me that it made me sound like a stalker, but I am still trying to figure out how they came to that conclusion seeing as how a stalker would stay far away from their "victim"), and we had scheduled to have our chat on Friday since her folks were away for the day. After work, I felt extremely tired because the sunburn had taken a lot out of me (Which I will get more of later on in the summer) and I could not eat a thing (The folks had made steamed clam and a lot of other stuff).

Tired and unable to eat, I called Erin's house to come over only to get the answering machine. I thought that it was just going to be another step in a little game called "phone tag" because Erin had not really called me back a whole lot since I began my "bid." About 9 PM, she called me back (Much to my relief) and told me that we were going to go play some mini-golf at Adventure Sports. I got to her house not long after our phone conversation ended, and we headed off soon afterwards. Chris Singel (A friend of Erin) and Jordan (Erin's younger brother) came along with us. We killed two hours by enjoying a round of mini-golf, and without the scorecard, I found that the pressure to do well was off completely and it was just pure fun. Steve and Allison met us there at about 10 PM, and they stuck around from Hole 14 until the end (We practically sprinted through the first 11 holes, but our sprint turned into a slow crawl because of the group in front of us), but they did not come back to Erin's house.

Upon getting back to Erin's house, Chris left quickly, but I went inside with Erin and Jordan. Jordan went downstairs to watch some television, and Erin and I sat at the kitchen table to just talk. We talked about anything and everything: her soccer season, Brandon, her personal hairstyle (She had let her hair grow long, and I had never seen it long until our little date; she seemed almost like a different person with her hair in a different style), work, and a slew of other things. Talking with her like that helped me to find out a few things: she is quite intelligent if she focuses (My prior comment about her being like Tohru Honda from Fruits Basket fits her when she is very active, but not when she is calmed down) and she is very aware of her situations and what goes on around her. Finding out these facts put a smile on my face.

11:30 PM rolled around and Jordan went to bed. Soon afterwards, Erin told me that she was feeling a bit tired and wanted to know if it would be okay if she went to bed about then. Even though there was pressure there, I did not feel it; everything came out somewhat naturally. I sort of laughed and said, "Maybe it is just me... yeah, it is me." Erin acted a bit concerned, and then said, "Eric, if there is ever anything that you need to talk about, I am here." That opened the "doorway" to my starter "Well, there are words I just couldn't say before."

"I don't mean to drop a 'bombshell' of sorts on you, Erin, but I'm crazy about you... in a good way."

What surprised me (And brings up the possible concern that Allison had already told Erin my intentions) was that my comment did not really make Erin hesitate to respond, almost like she had been expecting to hear it for a long time. I just kept talking, and somewhere along the line, I told her "Erin, not trying to use a line from a movie, but when I think of you, it makes me want to be a better man." Although I was not after one, that comment got an "Aww" from Erin. Soon afterwards, I said something to the effect of "Erin, I do not mean for this to sound corny, but I was working in a freezer at -10F for a few hours today, and even though I was cold, the only thing that kept me warm was thinking of your smile." About midway through the conversation, Erin mentioned something about how I would eventually find my woman, get married, have kids, and grow old with them. My response was something like "Erin, this is the road of life (I drew an imaginary line on the table). All of that stuff is over here (I pointed to everywhere except the leftmost part) and I am over here (I pointed to the leftmost part). I am still trying to work on this part (Leftmost part); I could care less about sex (She was a bit startled by the sudden mention of sex) or even about smooching at this point in time because I am not there yet. I am happy with taking things one step at a time." The rest of my little comments meant to express my feelings did not really stand out, but she definitely got the gist of what I was feeling.

Like I said already, the sum of her response was "No."

Even though Erin became like Courtney in that she did not "accept" me, I understood and sympathized with her situation. In many more words, Erin expressed to me something that I knew already: the fact that she was going off to college in mid-August. She felt that she would get too attached to a boyfriend, and the thought of the relationship tearing apart at the end of the summer due to being too far apart would just break her heart (I should show her Hoshi no Koe sometime). Even though I brought up the fact that I thought that her cramped schedule would probably interfere with a possible relationship, it felt like she would have made plenty of time for me. Overall, if the "going to college" issue was not a problem, I got the impression that Erin would have wanted to start a more intimate relationship.

However, that is not the way things went.

After we both got our points across to each other, I went so far as to say with a laugh, "I doubt that we will both look at each other quite the same way from now on because of my feelings for you." The comment is true though. Erin wants to stay friends (For the time being, it seems), and while it will feel a bit awkward around her from now on because she knows how I feel about her, I think it helped solidify our friendship more. She even went as far as to say that we could still go out on little dates if I wanted to (The incentive is gone for the summer, but I would still love to take her out a few more times this summer), and hanging out would be no problem, just that the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing is not possible with her leaving for college. Our conversation began deviating into other subjects that were somehow related, her parents came back home, and I left about 12:30 AM after helping them to unload their car.

The result of our conversation left me with a mixed bag of feelings. I was happy that I had discussed my feelings about someone with them and that Erin felt closer to me despite not being closer. At the same time, I had not really gone anywhere; my intentions were to get into a relationship with Erin, and I had failed even though I could not affect the way that Erin wanted things to be for this summer. I am heartbroken by finally hearing what I already knew, but at the same time, I know I would have been more heartbroken had Erin got into a serious relationship against her will or with the end result being that she knew that the relationship had a time limit on it (And she would be unable to enjoy it to its fullest extent).

One thing I never got to tell her was that there is that fragile string of emotion that I wanted to bind us together somewhat. While that string does go by the name of "Love" sometimes, I feel that it only becomes that if the feeling is mutual from both sides. I may feel strongly for Erin, and while she has similar feelings for me, the whole college issue seems like it is a major hurdle that neither one of us can deny existing. While Erin knows that she would become too attached to me, I have a feeling that I would too; this attachment has been there for quite some time, but nothing as strong as I could imagine it becoming if we did begin a more intimate relationship.

I guess I may just be a cuddle bug at heart.

The "local fallout" seems to already be setting in. I already said that Erin's friendship with me has been solidified, meaning that I believe that it will only progress if given the chance. I know I will try to make any attempt I can to hang out with her, even if it cuts into other things (Such as hanging out with Brandon, which I have been doing a bit of lately). I know that nothing will go on for now, but it sort of feels like I have planted a seed for now and I only need to wait for it to germinate. In the meantime, I need to help that seed become all that it can be, and perhaps it can become a beautiful flower someday in the future if it is given enough care.

The global fallout of my "bombshell" has yet to be seen and realized. The whole self-destructive line of thought has dissolved now, and I need to have the patience to try again next summer. My only hope now is that my patience may pay off some day with Erin and that she is waiting as well. My dream will survive the test of time.